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This love is an extended metaphor,
     perhaps claiming that a bumblebee
     is a cumulus cloud (or, indeed, the other way round)
     —both too heavy to hang as they do in the sky,
     great weights oblivious to gravity,
     and with an air of steady certainty
     that they are keeping the world ticking over,
     a self-assured busyness
     from which we must forever be distant.
It is all bright images at first,
suddenness and new discoveries—
the coming together of two things
so different and so alike.

Exploring our creation,
we go further, delve deeper,
     observing how both cloud and bee,
     though bold, though bulky,
     are, at the same time, delicate,
     fragile, intricate; we imagine
     how implausibly soft they must be,
     how they can be overlooked
     by people who do not take the time
     to appreciate the world.
We spread into other senses,
begin to lose the ambiguity
of what was started with such nonchalance.
And it is here we start to falter,
     here that I say thunder is the bee's buzzing
     and lightning its sting, that honey
     is a rainstorm after drought—
     for you point out that bumblebees
     do not make honey, and it is
     cumulonimbus clouds that are
     associated with storms.

We are shaken, but continue regardless,
go back to something already ascertained:
     both hover with such apparent ease,
     both drift on summer zephyrs—
but here, again, we lose our way
     as I remind us both that the bee
     must beat its wings to stay afloat,
     while the cloud is merely buoyant.
We pause, doing our best to think
of some unused comparison,
and, in our pausing, it grows ever clearer
that this love is an extended metaphor,
and bumblebees are simply not clouds.
©2009 *chugglepuff
:iconchugglepuff:

Author's Comments

I was rather inspired by #Writers-Workshop's Extended Metaphor Please workshop, and this is the result. I admit that I am excessively fond of its mixture of silliness and sincerity. :) Even though I never manage to stick with extended metaphors properly...

I ought to be answering a practical question about chromatin right now. Illicit poetry is so often the most satisfying. :nod:

The only alternative title I could think of was 'What this Love Is'... Or just repeating the first line. *disapproval*

As *SitsUnderWaterfalls pointed out, I only introduce the "we" in the second stanza, and it kind of jars, but I am unsure how to fix it. What do you think of changing the line "It is all bright images at first" to "We delight in bright images at first" or just "We delight in bright images"? Alternatively, how about "It is all bright images for us"? I would really appreciate your opinion!

Critiques


:iconsitsunderwaterfalls:
First off, I find that this poem, Reflections is both a wonderful play on words and a very creative metaphor. Love is a powerful theme, and as such, it has been approached, with varying success, time and time again. What the writer has done in this poem is something I feel takes a fresh look at an old concept.

The poem begins tentatively, stating one's intentions, with no false pretenses, much like the way a true, romantic courtship is begun. The narrator remarks with quiet admiration the simple seeming state of things: "the coming together of two things/ so different and so alike." It is a love story in three parts, and this is the seemingly innocuous beginning.

It's a rhythmic flow of words, chosen carefully, and it reflects the thoughtfulness of the narrator- he wants to be careful with his precious love. I love the sometimes rhyme in the second stanza. "...both could and bee/ though bold, though bulky/ are, at the same time, delicate/ fragile, intricate." The narrator weaves his words like a lighthearted song, one of first love.

"We begin to lose our ambiguity/ of what started with such nonchalance." Without breaking the flow, the second act begins. It is the time of doubt, the time of asking oneself what you're really getting into, and the lovers become fearful.

But it ends well, the lovers pull through, with grace and fluid alliteration. And the end is tweaked, the great irony revealed- love is not a metaphor. Love is love, and it something that can only be experienced. in this poem, it is with sincereity, and an air of sweet reminiscence.

The only suggestion that I'd like to put forth, is that the second party, the "you" in the poem, be addressed or referred to somehow in the first stanza. It jumps from an apparent third person POV to talking about "we"- the narrator addressing his/her love. This may throw off the reader a tad, since at first the readers may assume they are being addressed directly, when this is in fact not the case.

Incidentally, I personally enjoyed the fact that the specifics about the two in love weren't made a point of. It could be two children or older adults, a man and woman or men and women, and nothing would need to change. It's the story of love that is a part of the human experience, and it has a nice clean resolution.

Also, the ending mentions simplicity, mirroring or echoing the beginning simplicity of entering the love, being naive, and turning it into some serendipity.

All in all, and excellent poem.
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

Thank you for your Critique

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Comments


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:iconthousandfaces:
I'm trying desperately to think of something constructive to say, but all I can say is 'Wow! That was so bloody amazing, well done there!'

:clap: Lovely piece of work!

--
"I want to walk into the sea and never come back. I want the tide to take me out of me and give me someone else. Maybe for a half hour or so. That would be good...wouldn't it...?"
:iconjudas130:
this looks like it was fun to write :D
I'm fond of the last stanza
the sincerity and 'silliness' works very well I think, I feel engaged, while the subject matter, although presented playfully, makes that concentration far from idle, carrying me to the end - and so the equilibrium of seriousness and fun is perfectly balanced
Its refreshing to read poetry that isn't complete dirge or of pessimistic concern :ashamed:
:peace:

--
a voice inside my head breaks the analogue.

~Judas130
:iconkaleidopsyche:
The title is better with a touch of ambiguity. Your formating is interesting, if not particularly relevant. If you were to stick with the extended metaphor theme, you wouldn't mention it.

Just don't start writing "This chromatin is an extended metaphor ..." - Professor often lack a certain sense of humour.

--
Always assume the worst: if it happens you'll be prepared and if it doesn't the surprise will be pleasant.
:iconsedahliah:
You've hit every nail on the head here, pure brilliance. You've injected such vigor into every line, I was swept away by your comparisons and kept astray by your unique blend of silliness and sincerity. =) I see no major problems with the title. Perhaps "Our Reflections" will give this an extra drop of sentimentality. Perhaps. :shrug:

--
Of all of the things I need to say, all of these words are in my way.

My Music:[link]
My Life:[link]
:iconnathanwhitaker:
Beautiful work :clap:. I can't find anything a miss in this poem at all. I love the comparisons, irony, and the rhythm.

--
"Talking to someone with a big ego is like walking through a field of cows, it's a long and pointless journey and there's bound to be a lot of shit along the way."

Charles Nathan Whitaker
:iconspasm101:
I don't know... I love the comparison of a bumblebee and a cloud...but I'm not exactly sure how that ties into the "our love is an extended metaphor"... Oo;; maybe it's just me..

--
I've realized...
It's great to think outside the box. It's even better--fantastic, even--to think outside the triangular prism. But you're pretty close to a god if you can't think outside the sphere. Thus is my logic.
:iconchugglepuff:
Thanks for your thoughts! The bee/cloud comparison was just meant as an example of extended metaphor... Wherever I've bothered describing the bee and cloud, it is intended to show a stage in the relationship (and, indeed, the author's progress with the metaphor). I'm sorry it wasn't clear...
Again, thank you very much for the comment!

--
A stitch in time mucks up the space-time continuum.

Clicking this link will give you superpowers*.

*May just be a very sneaky way to make you look at my page. But probably not.
:iconchugglepuff:
Thank you very much - both for the kind words and the fav! :heart:

--
A stitch in time mucks up the space-time continuum.

Clicking this link will give you superpowers*.

*May just be a very sneaky way to make you look at my page. But probably not.
:iconchugglepuff:
:glomp: Thank you! Your comments are so lovely! :) And I'm in two minds about 'Our Reflections' - it emphasises the 'mirror images' meaning, but does lose the 'musings' type meaning a little because I see this as the reflections of the speaker alone... I'll come to a decision eventually... Thank you very much for the suggestion!

--
A stitch in time mucks up the space-time continuum.

Clicking this link will give you superpowers*.

*May just be a very sneaky way to make you look at my page. But probably not.

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