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Our Kingdom by *chugglepuff:iconchugglepuff:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Family Life > Villanelle


Back when that desert kingdom was your own,
A fishing net could be a trusty steed,
And we stayed shielded by your plastic throne.

Cracked sunshades or a flip-flop found alone
Were favours left by damsels we had freed,
Back when that desert kingdom was your own.

We never feared that serpent’s surging tone--
Our pebbles clipped its back and made it bleed,
And we stayed shielded by your plastic throne.

We crossed the paths of every crabbish crone
And stopped to do the urchins a good deed,
Back when that desert kingdom was your own.

You lay, as you do now, drowsy and prone,
As castles fell to leave just shells and weed,
And we stayed shielded by your plastic throne.

We tell you now of lands of sand and stone,
And dream of worlds where tides would not recede:
Back when that desert kingdom was your own,
And we stayed shielded by your plastic throne.
©2008-2009 *chugglepuff
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Submitted: August 6, 2008
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Comments: 36
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Author's Comments

I thought I'd have a go at =Mattiello's villanelle contest. :thumbsup:

Also written for a multiround contest which required a villanelle (clearly villanelle contests are like buses) and then a freeverse poem telling the same story, which I will upload once I've actually written it. Inbox-filling-tastic!
[Edit: here's the freeverse.]

Anywho, 'tis my first villanelle, so I'd love it if people would tell me where I'm going wrong! I'd even give you... erm... this discarded pen lid! :omfg:
Are the commas excessive? I don't like them where they are, but I don't like them when they're not there either...
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*msklystron:iconmsklystron: Aug 6, 2008, 6:07:40 PM
At a glance the commas look fine. This is very well written. The form is difficult, but you made it your own. Best of luck in the contest!

This has a different, more whistful, hopeful feel than the freeverse version.

--
Stop popping that bubble wrap and check out *ThePurpleNurple
“Make [your] characters want something right away—even if it’s only a glass of water."-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
~DarlingDante:iconDarlingDante: Aug 6, 2008, 6:21:18 PM
Not that I'm the one to ask about excessive comma use (my addiction is well known), but I think their frequency is appropriate.

Very good choice on the refrains, they are of course the back bone of any good villanelle and I think your selection here was superb.

The only line that tripped me up on first reading it was : "We never feared that frothing dragon's drone--," but to be honest I can't tell you why it did. Its meter was correct and of course you're limited by the rhyme; perhaps the image? I don't know, and in subsequent readings I'm sure I'll like it, but I thought I might just ramble on a bit in this comment so I'll mention it.

I was actually considering writing a villanelle myself, so I should have something posted soon.

Good to have your deviations cluttering up my inbox again ;).
~DarlingDante:iconDarlingDante: Aug 7, 2008, 10:13:50 AM
Wooh, I wrote a Villanelle for that contest! It's my first ever attempt and I'm desperate for feedback, so if you could find the time, I'd love to hear from you on it. Thanks for always inspiring :) .
*chugglepuff:iconchugglepuff: Aug 7, 2008, 2:22:47 PM
:salute: Will do!

--
A stitch in time mucks up the space-time continuum.

Clicking this link will give you superpowers*.

*May just be a very sneaky way to make you look at my page. But probably not.
*chugglepuff:iconchugglepuff: Aug 7, 2008, 3:04:54 PM
Thanks very much for your thoughts! :)

Mm, I know what you mean with that line. I think it probably took the longest, it kept refusing to cooperate. The drone was meant to be the noise of the sea, but it's not really a drone, so I'm not quite sure what to do with it... just keep thinking over it, I guess.

Good to be back on my clutter-spreading mission! :glomp:

--
A stitch in time mucks up the space-time continuum.

Clicking this link will give you superpowers*.

*May just be a very sneaky way to make you look at my page. But probably not.
*chugglepuff:iconchugglepuff: Aug 7, 2008, 3:06:15 PM
Whoops, and thanks for the fav!

--
A stitch in time mucks up the space-time continuum.

Clicking this link will give you superpowers*.

*May just be a very sneaky way to make you look at my page. But probably not.
*chugglepuff:iconchugglepuff: Aug 7, 2008, 3:07:19 PM
Thank you very much! :)
It is absurdly difficult! :shakefist:

--
A stitch in time mucks up the space-time continuum.

Clicking this link will give you superpowers*.

*May just be a very sneaky way to make you look at my page. But probably not.
*msklystron:iconmsklystron: Aug 7, 2008, 3:14:33 PM
You're welcome! The form is absurdly confining, but you did absurdly well with it.:)

I was thinking that Dylan Thomas' famous rage rage would break through any form and almost needed the tight, limited rhyme scheme to reign it in. In the case of your poem, nostalgia floats in and through the rhyme scheme giving it the rhythm of a child's verse.

--
Stop popping that bubble wrap and check out *ThePurpleNurple
“Make [your] characters want something right away—even if it’s only a glass of water."-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
~DarlingDante:iconDarlingDante: Aug 7, 2008, 3:21:00 PM
As far as the long O sound words to maybe sub. out for drone I've got: moan, groan, and tone.

You could always tweak the line overall, but I wouldn't be so brazen as to try to mess with it for you (because I'd probably screw it up). Hope that's of some use, and thanks so much for the in-depth comment.
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